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So I haven’t blogged in a while, and I’m sure you’ve all missed my witty and insightful prose. I recently started my Honours year at uni, but that’s actually a rubbish excuse for not writing, since I did very little of it in the six months I sat on my ass and watched Gossip Girl and One Tree Hill. I’m only just getting back into the swing of reading and essay writing, and the fact that this year, there is actually a subject, and umpteen brochures and handouts about how to write ‘academic’ prose, is a bit intimidating. Writing in the academic is something that I never really thought about, I just did. In year 12, my english teacher constantly told us to avoid using the personal pronoun, the ever subjective ‘I’. It seemed a bent of the VCE english program that all subjectivity must be erased, distance and objectivity were essential in getting a high study score. I think at Uni this idea changes a little. You are, perhaps, allowed to state that “it is my intention to argue that … blah does not indicate blah but rather I think that it shows us blah, and opens up new avenues for rethinking blah.” Rather than the year 12 “The aim of this essay is…” bit. However this year is a new thing altogether. Not only are you encouraged to use personal pronouns, you’re encouraged to have an opinion. Not just that, you’re required to invent something new, to put your thoughts out there, to argue them, to take a stand. In 12,000 words, or thereabout, in a structured thesis with an appropriately academic tone. But hey, say what you feel, an claim it as your own, don’t fob it off onto someone else. Sounds cool. Except I think in the last few years, I’ve become an expert in doing the exact opposite.
In general, I’m a pretty non-confrontational person. I don’t like conflict. So instead, if somebody is bugging me, I bottle it up inside and then end up doing the dreaded confronting, and having it out with them. Sometimes, if they bug me right off, and I’m so mad there’s steam pouring out my ears, then yes, I will have it out with them then and there. I have a history of marching up to teachers, school principals (my friend Marita will vouch for this), church pastors, conservative liberals, and shooting my mouth off. But I don’t generally feel any better after doing it. So what gives?
I’ve been thinking lately about another area that not only do I not confront, I actively avoid. And that is, telling the people that I love how I feel about them. Why is it easier to tell some red-neck american that they’re a racist twat and you’d like to see them bludgeoned than telling somebody you love that you love them? I mean, love is good thing, right? It’s a positive emotion. So why is that the thought of this kind of confrontation, this use of the subjective I, of giving my opinion, makes me want to wither into dust and disappear? Why does it make me feel so effing terrible? I mean, if somebody came up to me and told me they loved me, or were in love with me (which has pretty much never happened), I can’t imagine feeling bad about it. I mean, I might feel bad that I didn’t reciprocate, if that was the case, but in general, I’d probably be pretty chuffed. Yet somehow, when confronted with the thought of doing this very thing, I balk. My personal pronoun just isn’t going to spout out the words ‘I have feelings for you’. Instead, I’ll stick to an objective tone, telling them that they’re a great person, that what they’re wearing looks good, that that guy totally doesn’t know what he’s missing out on if he doesn’t go for them. But ‘I love you?’. Hell, no.
Part of me wonders if there isn’t a bit more to this. Like, the fact that the people I tend to fall in love with are highly inappropriate people to fall in love with. They are, in general, the wrong age, have the wrong kind of relationship with me to even go there, they’re the ‘wrong’ gender, and of the wrong sexual orientation to reciprocate. So, I keep my mouth shut, and listen to songs like the one I just posted on facebook, Mace Spray, by the Jezabel’s, and let my feelings float over me. But they don’t really go away. And so I wonder, would I feel a whole lot better if I just fronted up and told these people how I feel? Part of me feels like it would be a weight off my chest, but then I remember the red-neck pastor and the school principal and think that perhaps I am better off refraining. Maybe the aim of this essay isn’t to give my opinion, after all.
I don’t have any answers to these questions. This wasn’t a statement that I’m going to break this cycle. In fact, I realise that this blog, as far as structure goes, is a pile of shit. How did I get from year twelve essays to inappropriate crushes? Well, never mind. Sometimes it’s nice to write things out, then post them for the whole internet world to see. Even if you’ve just admitted something highly inappropriate.
I’m pretty sure that there’s somebody, (theorist, philosopher, etc) that thinks that unless something is spoken, it doesn’t exist in actuality. And I think it’s a common belief that talking about something makes it more real. Once something is said, it can’t be unsaid. There’s power in having a voice, that’s certainly true. So I’m not going to take back what I’ve said, because at least, in this part of the world, I do have a voice. And even if I don’t tell my totally babe-ing neighbor that they’re hot, or close friend that I have feelings for them, or tutor that I’d like to mind-fuck-them – directly, this might be a step towards doing something about it.
(As my friend’s Robyn and Sarah will vouch for, Gigola (which screened last week at MQFF) was an effing terrible movie. But I have to say, the part where she seduces her psychiatrist was hot. Especially since her psychiatrist was a highly inappropriate person for Gigola to fall in love with. So despite it getting a rating of shit out of ten in terms of narrative, it might have scored a point or two in that department. Hello, Ana Padrao.)
Last night, Katie and I stayed up til 2.30 reading Please Understand Me II; a psychology book on personality which I may or may not have stolen from Stuart’s housemate Jonathan (don’t worry, I’m giving it back soon!).
The opening paragraph of the first chapter “Different Drummers” starts with a creed: “If you do not what I want please try not to tell me that my want is wrong. Or if my beliefs are different from yours, at least pause before you set out to correct them”… and so on and so forth. Just slightly lame and a little patronizing? Perhaps. But read on and you will discover this book to be a mirror into your soul. Nearly everyone that I have convinced to take the 70 question personality test have sat there in some disbelief when I read them the results…
The ‘temperament sorter’ maintains that there are four basic personalities: The Artisan: relaxed, hedonistic, talented at hands-on and people focussed kind of jobs, good at art and fun to be around. The Guardian: A naturally conservative person who values tradition and adheres to social codes, is particularly good at looking after and taking care of other people and is generally sensible and moral. The Idealist: Those who live in a world of concepts and ideas and examine everything on a grand scale and are often emotional, always searching for truth and identity. The Rational: Who view the world as existing to be analysed, are practical, logical but often off in the world of technicalities on how things work.
Within these four categories, there are another four specific categories relating to whether you are more introverted or more extraverted, and what particular qualities in this sphere pertain to you. There are pages and pages on each personality, detailing what your values are in life, what you long or search for, what you are most talented at, how and why you percieve things the way you do, how you interact with others and how you clash with others.
The result for me was The Idealist: I was called ‘The Counsellor: who is enthusiastic.. yearns for romance, seeks identity, wants to learn about the humanities …and may be attracted to creative writing as a profession’ (!!!) I found this quite mind-blowingly accurate… but probably only of interest to me because of the fact that I am an Idealist, who loves “discussing abstract matters… ideas, insights, personal philosophies, spiritual beliefs, dreams, goals, relationships.”
Katie and I literally sat there for hours talking about nearly everyone we could think of, what personality they might be and then Katie said in her ”Well, I think I’m at a great understanding right now of everybody in my life and why they are the way they are”. Which is quite funny because she was described as being ”keenly aware of everything and everbody around them… and are eager to relate the stories they’ve uncovered, hoping to disclose some truth about people and issues.” Which is ABSOLUTELY TRUE! It pretty much sums up every conversation we have.
There is also, for your interest, a chapter on ‘Mating’ : Dating, ‘courtship’ and marriage, who you match well with and who you don’t, and as I was relieved to see, I am in the best possible match with the only problems being that I can be carried away with feelings and give almost all my attention to the relationship and desire ‘verbal expressions of affection’ while my rational match values autonomy and is not likely to verbally express their feelings because of their distaste for being redundant. Ha ha!!!!
I feel extremely geeky in my fascination with this book but my overriding joy at such amazing discoveries won out when I decided to write this blog. Then, in my usual analytical manner, while watching Sex and the City I reckon that each of the characters fits into one of those personalities … probably why it is quite obvious that they would never be friends in real life! But interestingly, probably one of the reasons for the shows sucess in that there’s ‘some one for everyone’ to identify with.
Carrie Bradshaw: Idealist “I couldn’t help but wonder… are relationships the religion of the nineties?”
Charlotte York: Guardian “After careful consideration, I have decided that I am getting married this year.”
Samantha Jones: Artisan “Who cares what you are, just enjoy it!” and
Miranda Hobbes: Rational “Forget about my special f**king day and be normal, please, I beg of you!”
Well… with those insights shared with the world, I must get out of my world of ideas and adhere to the reality of WORK. Ce’st la vie!
My head is just above the surface. Any second now the water will creep up my neck, lap against my chin, splash into my mouth, and I will begin to choke, splutter, cough… before I am helplessly consumed, I cannot see, and my head dissapears beneath a dark murky lake. The surface will look smooth and undisturbed. But underneath I will be fighting for my life, against the sea monsters that have come to life beneath, and the reeds that swirl up with a force of their own and snag my ankles, dragging me down, down, down…
Ok enough of the fantasy. The essays are coming to get me, you get it. 14,ooo words. 1,500 of them later I can safely say … its a hopeless case. Especially since I spent last night writing a paper to present on the wrong topic on the wrong week. Oops, sorry, idiot, your presenting NEXT week. But good on you for doing this weeks reading too. And writing a paper on it, now you might actually be able to contribute to class discussions. For once. GAH.
I wish I was Rory Gilmore right now. I’d bury myself alive in the library until it was all magically done. It’s just an impossible task, despite my fascination with everything I’m studying. I want to sit back and immerse myself in ‘the good the true and the beautiful’ …. oh … the sublime as well, without having to write a thesis on it.
And I keep finding things to do, like go visit my sister, go to my friends gigs, go on a date or three, go shopping on brunswick street, check facebook, talk on msn, write a blog, get depressed about how I’m not going to splendour in the grass, that i can’t afford to go to the gold coast with Bec, Katie, Doug and James and visit Tom (but I just might anyway), and that I’m in serious danger of being ‘a smoker’ (yeeeck). There is also the lovely distraction of dreaming about what I’m going to do in semester break: learn french, learn the violin, read 1001 books to read before you die, watch every episode of scrubs, run a marathon, paint a mural, go on a mission trip to cambodia….. you get the idea.
i am now a double blogger and bulletin poster on myspace. there are just too many forms of electronic publication in this world.
(((I just lost something that I spent like 2 hours writing.
Part of me wants to scream!!!!
But its important so screw it, I’m going to re-write it.
It went something like this: (AHEM)))))
Why is it that it’s so much easier to remember the times when people let you down, when friends weren’t real friends, than it is to remember and appreciate the good things people have done for you? Why is it so much easier to dwell on bad relationships than good ones, so much easier to think about people’s negative qualities than their positive ones?
I realize this has been my attitude. In my last ’poor me’ blog all I could do was lament the people I’m losing or have lost, and haven’t taken the time to think about all the people that are in my life. So I’m going to write as much as I can about all the good people in my life and why they are good. Even the ones that have let me down lately. Nobody’s perfect.
Bec: Is my oldest consistent friend. Months can go by, as they have in years gone by, when we’ve hardly seen each other, but nothing changes. We can always pick up where we left off. We never fight; if we’re pissed off we just get over it. Bec is always generous, always loyal, she is one of the least bitchy people I know, and lately has been so much fun spending time together. I can say anything I want and Bec won’t bat an eyelid.
Katie: I haven’t known as long but in the time I have, Katie has enriched my life to no end. She’s always up for fun, lets my try on her hot clothes. Katie is generous and gave me the most beautiful birthday present. She is always happy to listen, and not just listen but actually involve herself with what you’re saying and have a really good discussion with. And makes me laugh hysterically. And she wrote me a song!!!
Bek: I am so lucky to get to work with someone who is also one of my best friends. Bek is a strong person, I have really benefited from my talks with her, and she is always happy to hang out, and fun to spend time with. She spent hours helping me set up for my party, and if I need someone to tell me the truth with no beating around the bush, Bek will do it!
Orsh: An incredibly talented person, some one you can have a serious conversation with as well as talk crap with. Orsh is adorable, but speaks her mind, something I can learn from! Eg. The other day when I was moaning about everyone in my life leaving me her reply was ’I’m still fuckin here dude!’ That’s why I love her!
Bert: Where do I begin, my little sex kitten? Bron is always evolving, she has a million different sides and most of them are fantastic. She’s the only person who would quote Gilmore girls endlessly with me, who can be act like such a dork and look so hot doing it. Most of the time we are the best of friends and I love her to bits!
Marita: The fun loving adventurer. The time we spent in Byron bay is one I’ll never forget, we tried everything either of us wanted to try, and she is one of the most caring and genuine people you’ll ever meet. Even though YITS is stealing her away, I can always pick up the phone and find her the same, unchanged, kind and lovely person!
Blair: Blair is some one I’m constantly in awe of. If only I have a little bit of Blair in me, I’ll be happy. She is the most talented artist and had the best taste in books, music and movies and I’m lucky enough to get to share those. She is someone that leaves a little bit of herself wherever she goes, and the place is better because of it. I admire the way that she thinks about things, the way she has grown over the years into her own person, into someone that I am so jealous of but so proud of!
Emily: I can recall only one phrase to encapsulate Emily: ’the sunshiny smile’. Em is always a little breath of fresh air, with her own unique twist. She will have me in hysterics with her antics and is the one person to go opshopping with! Em is good for a chat about the mundane-ness of uni, and she gives the best presents too!
Chris: My bro. It is rare to find a guy that is as strong in himself as Chris. I wish I was more like him; he is steadfast in character and respected by everyone that knows him. Chris is going to go far in life; he is likable, honest and dependable. I’m lucky to have him as a brother, even though he is younger than me I find myself looking up to him in so many ways!
Doug: Doug is just plain good fun. An awesome guy to talk to and hang out with. From the moment I met Doug I knew he was a good guy, trustworthy and easy to get along with. Doug is the person to go clubbing with, people!
Hannah: Technically my oldest friend; we’ve known each other since we were born. Han and I have had a lot of ups and downs but the fact that we’re still friend’s means a lot to me. Han is surprising and fun, and her thoughtfulness is always appreciated. She’s the one who will send me a text message to make sure I’m ok when nobody else would. Oh and now she’s a hot model, what more would you want?
Dylan: Someone who is literally always there if you need them. Another friend I’ve had for a long time and know that even if we don’t talk for a while we can pick up where we left off. Dylan genuinely cares about his friends, and that is rare to find. I really value his friendship.
James: When I met James I couldn’t believe how polite he was! He has all the qualities of a gentle man, but the most important thing is the way that he always listens to you when you’re talking, like he really cares about what your saying. I can tell James is going to be a great person to have as a friend and someone I’m going to benefit a lot from.
Tom: A person I can’t quite believe I’ve been fortunate enough to meet, and it seems, inevitably I’m going to lose. In the short time I’ve known him I think we have had a connection that is rare to find, that extends beyond our shared taste in music and books. There is so much more I want to talk about, to learn about Tom, so he is somewhat of an enigma, but a very nice one at that!
Ana: something inexplicable draws me to Ana, and I think it’s the fact that she is so her own person. Another girl that I envy, because she doesn’t have any bullshit, and is genuine and enthusiastic, I’d like to get to hang out with her more.
Jodi: Is like a butterfly. Always fleeting, colorful, enticing. Jodi and I have shared a lot over the past two years. I will never forget her coming to my rescue in her pajamas when I needed someone most, being my refuge during one of the darkest times of my life. Jodi is an incredibly colorful character and I’d like to have more of that in myself.
Steph: Honestly the sweetest person you’ll ever meet. I think if I told Steph I’d murdered someone she’d find a way to make me feel better about it! Just the other day Steph left me a b’day present at work, and that is the kind of thing Steph does. When she left Williams she gave us going-away presents. But she is honest and down to earth and I love that too.
Nat: I owe so much to Nat. I may have driven her crazy but I don’t think I could have got through a couple of rough patches without her. She is hilarious, blasé.., and the most unconventional person I’ve ever met. I love talking with her, and I love her take on life, I wish I could pull it off myself!
KT: Has left creative arts for the world of YITS, and who could blame her? But how would I have got thru first year without Katie? She is the most crazy, lively, fun person, and I so appreciate having her around, I love her chilled attitude to everything and the way she is completely herself in any situation! Katie is a metaphor for life J
Zac: Another person I couldn’t have got thru first year without. Zac and I have spent a lot of time on the same level with stuff and I’ve appreciated talking to her and having her around. I think she has a lot to offer, and she will do something really effective with her life. I’m looking forward to her return to uni next semester!!
Tim: I haven’t treated Tim the best and yet he has been willing to forgive that. I admire so much about him; his strong character, his energy and perseverance are just some of those. Being able to talk about so many diverse topics is always interesting with Tim. Turtles, Ancient roman ruins? It’s never dull!
Annie: where would I be without my lovely older sister? I can tell Annie anything and she will withhold judgment whilst still speaking her mind. She listens and yet challenged my ideas. I think that’s a rare gift! Annie always makes me feel cared about, its always fun to hang out together. And I know I can always rely on her in a family crisis, as she has so clearly proved this week!
Well, I think I have to stop there because I’ll be here all day. But it just goes to show who I have to be grateful for, all the great friends in my life, or for some of them, the beautiful things they have done for me in the past.
Much love to you all!
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