but it’s the storm that i believe in

Well its been a while since I’ve written anything substantial. In fact i suppose the word ‘substantial’ could quite well be questioned for its legitimacy . This is a blog after all.

My life has changed drastically in the last week due to the fact that I moved out of home. I now ride to uni, on my grandmas awesome vintage bike, tears blurring my vision as the cold wind rushes past me.. working up a sweat clad in my cosy trench coat, the autumn leaves swirling around me as i cruise past Melbourne museum, Brunswick and Lygon streets. I live with an Indoenesian couple and their kid, Audrey, and so far its working fine. But it’s not the same as being at home. I have to constantly watch that i clean up after myself and don’t leave a scerrick of mess anywhere. The apartment is lovely, on Victoria parade, with a roof top pool and gym. No complaints there...

But I have also left Chirny williams ( as of tomorrow) and I’m starting work at DFO, Spencer Street. This has only happened in the last couple of days, it wasn’t part of the plan. So im now feeling kind of nostalgic, after all Ive been at Chirny for 3 years. i might be back there , but i doubt it considering i don’t intend on moving back home. Thinking about all the people that have been there since i started: crazy Cheryl, gorgeous Melissa, my second mum, the beautiful Michelle, Fabbo, the lovely Stacey, Steph – who became my favourite person in the world for a while, then Nat – who became my favourite person in the world for a while too, Steph Chu who is too lovely for words, Bek and Orsh, two of my best friends now, and Adriana who is top quality too. I kind of feel its the right time to move on though…. i hope. I’m feeling a little displaced though. I think I could describe it that im in the ‘buildingsroman’ part of my life, to use a lit term… the buildings-roman novel is a ‘coming of age’ novel, about the time when a person passes from childhood to adult hood (not puberty, lol) but travels through the events that will shape them as an adult. I have pretty much gone out on my own, without much help or guidance from anyone, and now its up to me to figure my stuff out for myself. It’s kind of exciting, a little scary.

Right now I can’t stop listening to The Cardigans and The Audreys. Two completely different bands, but they are both amazing in a way that i can’t explain! When i listen to The Cardigans I somehow feel content with life and its inadequacies. Not that they glorify love and loss, but they contend with it in a poetic way, they make it beautiful. You don’t have to be in a relationship to understand this love. it is the love and conflict in all relationships, the friendships, the ‘are we more than friend’ships, the one night stands, everything. They make me think alot about love, and i dont think its what i really see in relationships around me. I see convenience. Anyway, know the person that i love the most is someone who won’t ever reciprocate, but when I listen to The Cardigans, as corny as this is going to sound, i get this kind of beauty out of that sense of loss. This idea also makes me think of something from Dostoyevsky’s ‘Notes from underground’. I really did NOT enjoy this book, but it did raise a coupel of interesting ideas, one being when ‘the underground man’ asks whether man might enjoy suffering just as much as happiness. I think in some kind of way, i agree. I’m probably going to look back on this and cringe at my own sopiness, but time is of the essence and i had to get this sentiment down in some shape or form.

I love the city. I love the fact that I realise how little i know about the world. Everyday I learn something new, a cliche that i could never actually say in high school. I am astounded at how much I have changed in the last year and a bit. If i were to write a timeline of significant experiences that have occured in my life thus far, a completely disproportionate chunk of them them have occured in the last year.

I get a ridiculous kick out of just being among people at uni who are, although all so different to me, so like me. I want to jump up and down in my tutes with the sheer joy that someone else , that other people, think in the same way as me, have the same questions as me, appreciate the same things. Its like this huge wake up call saying ‘YOU ARE NOT ALONE!’ I always felt like that in school, although i had the loveliest group of friends and most of the people in my year level were great, that I was just a bit out of the mould, i didn’t fit the prototype school would have liked, I was somehow different (not in a superior way, more in a problematic kind of way). I was interested in things no one else seemed to be interested in. The things everyone else was interested in bored me. At uni, in my classes, everyone is different. There is no ‘right’ way to be. You can’t be too weird. I get to sit there and listen to people describe and bring to life thoughts and feelings that I share, and I want to shout ‘YES! I feel that too!!’ This is going to sound nuts, but it is so liberating. I no longer feel like I have to be a certain person that I’m not. That I have to fit into a little mould, a nice little version of myself that would suit other people. I can think how I want, behave how i want, wear what I want. uni is a forum for self discovery.

Anyway, with those thoughts down i shall push on into the big wide world of overdue essays.

thanks for listening